My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.