Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You Might Also Like
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
how high up are we talkin’?
Fluff me with a fork baby
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.