For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
OH. COME. ON.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it