“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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I have the bruises of a much more active person.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Who does Amazon think I am?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.