I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
there’s probably a fee though
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.