me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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channeling her this year
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
i think we should see other cousins
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.