Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down