Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
somebody come look at this
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?