FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.