My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.