*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Do not go gentle into that good night,
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles