If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me