I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
guys i’ve cracked the code
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Important reminders
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”