i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Is….Is this an option?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Anime is real
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.