Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
no one ever comes back
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?