uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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technically true but not a great slogan
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
This is not me but this is me
I’m aging like a fine banana
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably