Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.