coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
this makes me so uncomfortable
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The struggle is real
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year