Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Spring of Deception
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.