I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*