Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.