You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
#SCOTUS one-star review
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?