Doggies just call it style.
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Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!