If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You Might Also Like
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.