Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler