Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”