My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You Might Also Like
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?