Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
*skinny dips into black hole
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
necessity is the mother of invention
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.