roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?