There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
You Might Also Like
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered