My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.