Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me, reading some of your tweets
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors