I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.