Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
gentlemen, hear me out
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen