*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
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Mhm.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?