So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
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[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?