When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.