If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker