4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
You Might Also Like
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*has no idea what a book even is*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me trying to “trust the process”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.