Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.