I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?