My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.