Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
You Might Also Like
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table