Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.