If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child