“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
You Might Also Like
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Those are good neighbors.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do