the three branches of government
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING