When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable