Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I saw nothing
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave