Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
scrabbled eggs
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
There is no “we” in chocolate.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Investing in beetcoin
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?